December 31, 2012

goodbye 2012

2012 was a pretty special year. i've changed in so many ways and somehow, i feel like i was born again. back when 2011 was coming to an end, i remember feeling lost and desperate about the future. i was trapped in medical school and it literally sucked the life out of me. i had never been more depressed as i was convinced there was no way out and this was forever going to be my life. but something changed in me. as i was being held captive and forced into shutting my emotions off, my burning desire to get away from society's norms came out. it grew bigger each day until i finally decided i needed to be happy. medical school was no right way for me to live life. i would have grown into a sad, lifeless human being. so i stopped being afraid. i made a promise to myself to never let society rule my life ever again. from then on, i would listen to my heart and follow my dreams. life is too beautiful to miss out. dropping out of medical school brought me peace and relief. i started looking at the world differently. i would smile all the time and be grateful for everything. i'd walk all the way up to the mountains, happily dancing to the sounds of nature. i was finally a wild soul and i had never felt more alive. i guess this explains why 2012 means so much to me.
my beloved cat turned 20 that year, and so did i. i love my cat to pieces, i secretly believe she's immortal and we're going to be best friends until the end of time. being 20 is different. i'm not a teenager anymore and my highschool years are definitely over. most of the friends i had made back then are no longer in my life as we grew apart. it hurt to let them go and i still mourn our lost friendship. however, i did hold on to some dear friends. sarah, who has been my best friend ever since i moved to the south of france, twelve years ago. she's the sweetest soul in the universe. martin, whom i admire and love deeply. last but not least, gina. she's been my rock during these past two years. i'm grateful for all my friends all over the world. there are so many kind human beings that helped me grow into the person i am today. nirrimi and her family have been helping me so much without even knowing it. they showed me a way out. a path i thought didn't exist. they are kind, passionate souls, eager to live. the road is their home and their love will forever inspire me. thank you for writing to me, nirrimi. thank you for saving me.
three months ago, i stood up for my beliefs and so i went vegetarian. animals are living, breathing creatures.  the amount of suffering that they experience in the slaughter industry is unbearable. i don't tolerate cruelty towards animals and so i stopped eating meat. i feel healthy and true to myself.
i had the most amazing summer. i still can't afford to travel so i went on little adventures instead. it's been fantastic getting closer to nature and all its beauty. i love you, earth.
i also got the chance to see bon iver live. i'll never forget this day as martin and i camped onsite ten hours before the concert even started. i would wear flowers in my hair as i did all summer long.
flowers make me feel beautiful. my journey towards self love began in 2012. learning to truly love myself hasn't been easy but i'm happy to say i don't feel ugly anymore. i used to hate my physical self so much i would just hide behind my hair all day. although i do believe that if you feel happy, then you'll feel beautiful.
i'm currently studying at the red cross university college of nursing. i'm so happy i managed to get in. as much as i don't believe in getting a college education, i do want to help people and being a nurse is the best way to do so. i've been an intern in a mental health center for five weeks and it's been wonderful. i felt like i really did make a difference to these human beings. they are good people that just got lost along the way. i've tried my best to teach them love. most of them don't believe in themselves and so they give up on life. they don't think they can get better. but they can. there is hope out there and i hope they never stop fighting. these people have become my family, even though i wasn't supposed to get attached. i've actually asked them to look back on 2012 and write about what changed in their life and what they were expecting for 2013. it was very moving to read about their dreams. they all yearned for health, love and happiness. it's sad they don't see how beautiful they all are. i miss them all very much but i'm hoping 2013 will bring them joy and love.
love is a funny thing. it fascinates me and i wish love would find me. i'm passionate about a lot of things, love is one of them. i don't believe in money but i do believe in love. it's no secret i want to travel the world and having someone by my side might make life more magical. sometimes i truly believe i'm going to spend the rest of my life alone as i'm too weird and not likable enough. i know it's pathetic so i never talk about it but it honestly scares me. what if i never find love? what if i never have children? these are two of my biggest dreams and it would tear me apart if they never came true.
there is one last thing that never fails me. photography. it's become everything to me, i love the feeling i get when i create new pictures. it has made me grow into a whole new person. a better one. i can't quite explain it but whenever i take pictures, i feel passionately happy. i'm hoping to make a name for myself. i know i can do this. i won't ever give up on making my dreams a reality. bring on 2013!