August 5, 2013

sea dreamer

it's been so long since i last wrote on this blog. i don't feel comfortable writing down my personal thoughts on the internet, yet i can't seem to be able to write on my moleskine journals either. i feel like i don't want to feel. i hide behind long hair and fake smiles because pretending is so much easier than admitting the truth to yourself. it's time for me to be honest, though. i need to let it all out so i can breathe again.
i've been meaning to write about my beloved 20-year-old cat passing away on march 2nd. i'm slowly but surely putting together a video tribute. i guess it's my way of keeping her alive. i've had such a hard time letting go of her because she always took care of me through my chaotic childhood years, then as a vulnerable teenager and a young adult. therefore i had convinced myself she was immortal and i believed it with all my heart. macha and i were forever, and no one was ever allowed to tell me otherwise. when she died, i looked for her everywhere but i couldn't find her so my mind pretended she was alive somewhere. rolling in the grass, all wild and free. i do have a problem with reality and accepting its bitterness.
hopefully, i went to paris just before my birthday and met with amazing photographers who taught me so much about life and myself. i was born in paris but i moved to the south of france after my parents' divorce and i remember those times i could never quite fit in at school because there was always someone trying to change me. i've never admitted this before but back in middle school, i used to hide in the bathroom during lunch and cry. i know growing up is hard and painful no matter where you live but sometimes i wonder what it would have been like had i stayed in paris. maybe i wouldn't have experienced such harsh bullying. maybe i would have grown into a beautiful, strong and confident woman. the point is, i'm getting there now and it's all thanks to these glowing human beings i was lucky enough to meet. sharing a mutual love for photography (or anything, really) definitely brings people closer. the people i've met have had such a huge, defining impact by teaching me how worthy i am. worthy of my dreams but most of all, worthy of loving myself. i promise i'll write about my adventures in paris when my heart feels ready.
then there's my so-called family. this is by far the most sensitive topic and i don't think i'll ever be able to truly open up about this to anyone. it hurts too much, i guess. all i know is, i don't feel loved nor accepted by my own parents. they've always hated each other and caused so much pain and chaos. i became familiar to the spiral of terror and violence but i made a promise to myself to never ever let my family issues define me. i have big dreams and they will come true. i'm a good person and i'll always be spreading love, no matter what. if i'm ugly, then at least my inner self is beautiful. at least i thought so but now my family hates me and it's clouding my judgement. my mother seems to be thinking my kindness is misleading and deceitful. is it? am i really that self-absorbed, irresponsible, irritating, tyrannical, conceited and selfish? don't i care about anyone but myself? if these statements are true, then i'm deeply disappointed in myself and it's a whole new kind of pain.
let's move on to summer, aka my favorite time of the year. this year is a bit different, though. there are boys involved and you should know i don't deal with boys very well. i'm more of a forever alone, crazy cat lady. i don't really feel miserable for never having a boyfriend but i do, however, feel scared no boy will ever love me. i like the irony of life though. here's what i wrote one night when i was feeling overdramatic, i'll tell you what happened the following day.
i’m 21 and i get butterflies because a guy drives me home. what is wrong with me ? why can’t i just be normal ? my best friend met someone, had sex with him and now she’s a grownup. she’s normal. and i’m not. i won’t ever be normal, the fact that i still don’t have a boyfriend is pretty serious and soon enough, i’ll wake up and my friends will start getting married and pregnant and they will have families and i will have, well, myself. my shitty self. i worry about the future. i’m scared being lonely is my destiny. i don’t know why i’m so unlovable but i am and i can’t accept it anymore. i feel like i’m suffocating and trying so hard for someone to love me but it’s just not part of my future. so i cry all day and watch tv shows and steal cats at night because they bring me closure and keep me company and that is how desperate i am. i feel like i should just stop being passionate about life, love and photography because this means i’m also passionate with my negative emotions and they are starting to get to me and really hurt me. i feel numb. i thought life would get sweeter eventually.
well, life did get sweeter! at least, for a little while but it's fine and i won't be asking for more. here's what happened. this is the silly story of my first kiss (this post is getting much more honest and personal than i expected, but writing is cathartic so please don't mind me). the day after writing such nonsense, i met a boy with long, wild hair and tender, bright eyes. we spent the night venturing into creepy abandoned tunnels with a group of friends instead of watching the fireworks. it was all dark which made it fun to scare each other. we went back home, ate too much chocolate and called it a night. i was completely charmed but it was definitely not rational nor responsible so i kept these silly butterflies locked deep inside. he was just a stranger after all. however, we started talking and seeing each other again. i cooked him dinner (well i can't cook so i made him a salad instead but it was made with love so that counts right?). later that night we hanged out with my sister at a waterfall and it was nice. casual. he said he liked my hair and so he constantly played with it, making silly braids and all but you should know i fall under the spell of anyone touching my hair. it is my one weakness. i'm not stupid though and i know he's a pretty boy and he obviously likes to charm women around him so i tried real hard not to let him get to me. i can't possibly be won over by a boy touching my hair, right? well little did i know, i already was. but i kept it silent as he kept on looking at me all night long. i also came to realize he wasn't only beautiful but pretty interesting as he started talking about himself and some pretty personal stuff. i liked him. i felt connected to him, but then again i thought it was my mind playing with me and just a matter of attraction. i knew why i was attracted to him but i never would have expected the popular boy to fall for me. yet he went home and sent me a message saying "it may sound weird but i really like you and i remember looking at you earlier tonight and really wanting to kiss you. i believe in saying and doing what i want rather than being obligated into doing something, but for the first time i actually didn't do what i wanted", i was completely shocked and started giggling like a little girl. how? why? i'm plain useless, i'm ugly and really i'm just invisible. but he seemed to think otherwise. i had no idea what to say, i didn't want to tell him i liked him too because it was just a crush really and it felt too soon, like we were rushing things without even getting to know each other. so i gave him a vague reply and said we would talk about it face to face when i'd have no phone to hide behind. we met the following day and had the most magical time. we were riding our bikes when i had the idea to take him to the lake. it was crazy but we got there nonetheless. i felt so alive and free while riding my bike with him on a hot summer night. like we were all alone and in perfect symbiosis. when we got to the lake, it was so dark we couldn't see a thing so i used my phone to light up the area a bit, we found out there were snakes and toads all around us. we walked for a while and i felt the urgent need to get in the water. i wasn't wearing any swimsuit, neither did he. we had no spare clothes, no towels, nothing. but i felt wild and crazy and wanted to share it all with him. he was so not up for this, he said it was insane because it was actually forbidden to swim, not to mention very dangerous especially at night but i managed to make him change his mind. "it's not the right thing to do, we shouldn't do this" i said, while playfully getting rid of my bracelets and rings. i looked into his eyes, he stared right back and got undressed. so did i, but he was a gentleman and looked the other way. i got into the water without him getting a look at my silly underwear and there we were. it was almost midnight, and i was standing in the middle of a warm lake with the most beautiful boy. he was so insecure though because you couldn't see a thing and there were possibly weird creatures at the bottom of our feet, which scared him so he didn't stay that long in the water but still i was so proud i managed to get him to do this with me. then i just swam far, far away as he begged me to come back. but i was a free soul. i floated on my back, paused for a moment and looked at the stars and the full moon and felt overwhelmed with the universe and its beauty. then a bat came out of nowhere and i screamed "there's a bat!" and he was out of the water and said in a soft, comforting voice "calm down, it's okay" but i had already said "it's so cool" while laughing and he was like "oh okay, so you're not scared at all and i am freaking out, come back to me!", it was so much fun. we got back to our bikes then realized we had lost the keys so we had to turn around. hopefully we found them. then he confronted me about what i had said in one of my messages "i'm torn between doing what i want and what i have to do". he asked me what these two things were and obviously i panicked, ran away and hid behind silly answers "well i wanted to get inside that lake but i wasn't supposed to, yet i did so there, next question!", but it didn't work and he really wanted me to be honest. but i had just turned 21 and i know for a fact guys expect a 21-year-old girl to be experimented and stuff and i was so scared he'd mock me and run away as soon as he'd realize i had never had a boyfriend. so i took a deep breath and said "the truth is you probably don't see me the way i really am", then i went on "okay, hum, well, i've never, well, i've never had a boyfriend before". he was a bit shocked but he was more looking for an answer "i don't understand, why is that? you're beautiful" but i felt awkward and didn't want for him to pity me or anything so i didn't say much more. then he looked at me and said "well you know what, i like you better than a 16-year-old girl who's had sex with every guy out there", yet i felt insecure and so he went on "i was actually talking about you to my friend and he was so convinced you had had many boyfriends and i actually suggested you may not have had much, or none. but you see it doesn't change anything, it doesn't change the way i see you, i think you're great and i still like you". this felt unknown and scary to me. i had never kissed anyone before, never even held hands with someone. i was feeling terrified and i realized i had the constant urge to run away and hide somewhere, anywhere because of how uncomfortable i was feeling when we were talking seriously. i know it's stupid but i couldn't help it. so we got back on our bikes and we kept on riding laughing like kids and having the best time, all alone at night, feeling so free and relaxed. then we got back to my house and listened to some soothing music. he almost fell asleep on my bed, making him look even more beautiful. it was getting late and his parents were expecting him so we left in a hurry. he doesn't live too far away so i insisted on riding my bike with him but he wasn't comfortable with the idea of taking my bike again so we only took one. riding a bike with two people on it isn't exactly ideal contrary to what movies led me to believe. but we had no other choice and so i held on tight against his body. i felt terrified yet so peaceful. he was actually hurting so much but told me afterwards so that we wouldn't stop and i could sit comfortably. however we couldn't ride the bike in rises so we stopped and walked instead. as we got closer to his home, we were still too far away but he couldn't possibly be late or else his parents would ground him so i took the bike and he took his shoes off and started running barefoot in the middle of the street. we had a fun unexpected race and he talked me through changing gears on my bike as he kept on running. all of a sudden, we were both equally fast and i laughed so hard as i looked at him. he was so handsome. there was a tiny, warm yellow light behind him making his hair look even wilder and he was smiling so kindly and in that moment, i felt more than just attracted to him. so we got there on time but i was more in a hurry than he was, i was like "come on, hurry, tell your parents you're here or it'll be too late, i'll see you" and i said goodnight friendly but he looked at me and said "do you know what i want to do?", i bit my lips nervously, i looked at him then down the pavement and said so desperately and stupidly (and i will forever hate myself for saying this) "but i suck!" but he held me closer, touched my face and kissed me. oh my, that was so bizarre. then i pushed him away but he brought me closer again and softly said "calm down, kiss me again" and so i did. we kissed a few more times, then i said "okay hurry, quick!". he left saying "text me as soon as you get home, be safe!" and so i went on with my bike and talked to myself all the ride home. my mind was flowing with ideas, my heart was racing "oh my god i kissed a boy, oh my god i sucked, oh my god what did i do, oh my god it's no good for me, oh my god i shouldn't have, oh my god it was amazing", so i got home all dizzy but i felt genuinely happy. the rest of the story doesn't matter, it was a gentle first kiss and i couldn't have asked for more.
enough with boys giving me migraines. i'm having a beautiful time climbing up mountains, taking endless photographs, meeting up with kind-hearted friends, walking home alone at night and gathering way too many blackberries. i will be heading to germany very soon so i can meet with my best friend on the internet, gina. this is going to be extraordinary. i'm proud of myself for finally following my dreams of traveling and experiencing life to its fullest. this is just the beginning. life is about to get even more beautiful.