February 22, 2015

we'll be together someday

i wander aimlessly through memories. i'm on a bus moving in slow motion. i walk through a blanket of fog as i look for a safe place to settle down. i take refuge in the back of the bus and catch my reflection in the window. i don't recognize the fragile and insecure fifteen-year-old me. i'm feeling hazy as i hide behind my hair, on my way to highschool. there's a delicately gorgeous boy sitting in front of me. he's lost in reverie and can't see me. but i can, and i have for months. i secretly feast my eyes upon him. i could gaze into his golden eyes forever and never have to look away but the atmosphere gets cloudier. as he's fading away, i hurriedly whisper into his ear ‘we'll be together someday’.

i wake up and find the boy of my dreams lying asleep next to me. he looks so tenderly peaceful and i'm mesmerized. my heart beats faster with every breath he takes. i can't believe any of this is real. i'm wholeheartedly in love and for the first time in my life, there's no drama nor bitterness. it just feels right. i'm glowing with happiness as i fall back to sleep, our bare chests pressed against each other.

it all started in highschool. we'd go to different schools but take the same bus every morning and i used to sit close to him so i could stare at him. it was nothing more than a silly crush but years later, as i was now a college student heading to the red cross university, i saw him again on the bus. he looked different. older, more mature but with the exact same mystery in his eyes. i froze and remember thinking it'd be quite funny if he were to be a student in my school, but he got off the bus before i could lose myself in a daydream. later that day, i was in the school's cafeteria with my friends and there he was. i stood still as i couldn't quite fathom the oddness of life. i meant to go ahead and walk right up to him so i could finally hear his voice but decided against it. in many ways, i was still the shy and insecure teenager i was in highschool. months went by and we remained strangers.

in june 2014, i was working as an intern in a hospital. i was putting up a drip when i thought i saw him walking in the hospital corridor all dressed in white. i was obviously losing myself in another delirious daydream so i forced myself to focus on the patient i was caring for. but when i left the room, i could still see him and figured it wasn't just my imagination after all. instead of greeting him, i rushed into the geriatric ward blindly, too afraid to even look at him. i came home that night and told my sister everything. i knew all these coincidences briefly occurring over the past five years had to mean something and i couldn't ignore them any longer. i realized that if i didn't seize this opportunity, he'd disappear again and we'd forever be strangers. there might never be another chance. life is unpredictable. it throws beautifully fleeting opportunities at you and you can either choose to seize them and be happy or wait around for a better timing and slowly lose track of your dreams. no matter what people tell you, your dreams matter. you matter. you are beautiful and worthy of infinite love and affection. it took me a long time to accept myself for who i am and realize that i am not destined to become miserable just because my whole life has been chaotically unstable. that i'm not going to be unhappy just because i grew up in a dysfunctional family. that my past does not, in any way, define my future.

so you should let go of your deepest fears and insecurities that have been holding you back for so long because they mean nothing. you are incredibly brave, braver than you could ever imagine. you are smart, whether you're an academic student or a college dropout. you are lovable whether you're in a relationship or have been single your entire life. and most importantly, you are alive. you have the power to do anything. travel the world and make endless human connections. break away from society. stay in school if that's where your heart is. no matter what you do, just make sure you follow your heart and immerse your soul in love. be kind and fearless, and always live in the moment. let your heart grow bigger as you feel everything fully and let the bliss of life shape your soul.

back to the hospital which is probably the goofiest place to fall for a stranger. a nurse i was working with had figured out i liked him and assigned himself with the mission of finding out his name for me. he would make fun of me and spell out letters in his name as he threw his arms in the air, cheering and laughing while i would beg him to keep quiet. then one day i got overly excited as i saw him in the hallway and spontaneously said hello. and although i wasn't supposed to know his name, i made a terrific first impression by creepily saying your name's kevin, right?’.

a few days later, i pretended to be bored and offered him my help with a patient when i was actually drowning in work myself. i had been up working since four in the morning and i was truly exhausted but i wanted to talk to him more than anything. to get to know the real him, not the glorified version i had made up of him in my mind. he gently accepted and we worked as a team while it was pouring outside, which i made a very clever comment about, and that's when he said ‘i can drive you home if you want to’ to which i said nothing because i was literally taken by surprise. he added ‘i finish my shift at 8pm, when does yours end?’. how do you explain your shift is actually already over but you're ready to wait around until the evening just so you can be with someone you barely know? i fumbled for words as i thanked him and said i needed to go through some hospital files for school, which was true in a way but i could have easily done this elsewhere. so he went back to work as i found a tiny office no one knew about and started studying. someone knocked on the door a few hours later. ‘i knew i'd find you here’, he said. we both smiled shyly. he had just been allowed to take a short break and asked me if i wanted to join him. how could i ever say no? later that night, he drove me home like he said he would and it turned out we only lived five minutes away from each other.

the following day, everyone in the hospital was speculating about us because a nurse had seen us leave together. it was hilarious how people were so invested in our story. they were all convinced we liked each other but i denied the obvious. i liked him a whole lot but he may just have been polite that night and i didn't want to get my hopes up. somehow, he started driving me home each night and before i knew it, it was saturday night and i was waiting for him to show up at my house. we had made plans about going to a festival but we ended up talking for three hours and missed the whole show. we headed into the mountains later that night, laughing, stargazing. it was all so magical until i accidentally pushed him in a hole and he sprained his ankle. i felt so foolish as he was limping back to the car. we stayed silent for a while, then he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and kissed me.

we had the sweetest summer together. we'd go to the restaurant then eat icecream by the sea and go swimming at night. then we'd stay up until dawn, talking about life and dreams and possibilities. we passionately opened up to each other. he confided in me about his childhood and all the buried pain within. we'd debate over religion, life after death, truth, doing good for others, life's purpose, money, the scary process of growing up, happiness, education, family. i'd think to myself he's the most extraordinary human being i've ever met. we'd do nothing but talk until we were too exhausted to speak and fell asleep at the same time.

fall began and we grew closer. he had once said he didn't want to fall in love with me, which had broken my heart, but i realized that he slowly was growing feelings for me and everything felt more meaningful this way. what i felt for him was much more real too. we'd play silly games, give each other nicknames, fight over candy. he'd surprise me and pick me up after work then he'd take me bowling. we'd meet each other's family and friends. we'd dance until we were dizzy. life couldn't be more magnificent.

as winter came, we moved into another stage of our relationship. love is scary. laying your heart open to someone and letting them inside the most personal part of you is terrifying. but when you accept these raw emotions, you can finally experience them fully and completely. that's when you feel it all. the butterflies. the fire. the warmth. the tenderness. vulnerability is enchantingly beautiful.

i fall deeper in love every single day. i feel like he knows me better than anyone else in the whole world. he's always being kind and supportive. he respects me. he makes me laugh everyday. he spoils me with thoughtful presents. he comes over even when i'm sick just so he can hold my cold body in the darkness. he runs his fingers through my hair and kisses my back softly while i fall asleep. i smile knowing he's a part of my life. i'm sincerely, passionately, blissfully in love with him.