April 5, 2015

the euphoria of love

spring brings new promises and fresh dreams. awkward selfportraits are in the air. the delicate rays of sunshine warm my heart and soul as i fall deeper in love with life. as a teenager, i used to feel trapped, lonely and hopeless. now that i'm becoming an adult, all this negativity is fading away and i'm feeling much more optimistic about the future. over the past few years, many people have asked me how i managed to be so happy and cheerful all the time. to be honest, i never thought i'd become that person and sometimes, i even think i'm faking it. i can't be the happy girl. i can't be a fearless wanderer. i can't be a dedicated nurse. i can't be a lover. i'm not worthy of it all. these thoughts still cross my mind but no matter how scared and insecure i may feel, i choose to accept and embrace these painful emotions so i can feel even deeper about the ones that bring me joy. 

i'm currently caring for children and adolescents with mental disorders. i've been asking for this internship for almost three years and i'm so thankful i can finally be close to these human beings and help them grow. i see so much potential in each one of them and i desperately wish i could take their pain away. no 12-year-old boy should be doomed to failure and destined to become schizophrenic. it's wrong, messed-up and unfair. no 13-year-old girl should be attempting suicide because she feels like she doesn't deserve to live. they're all so fragile and hurt, and they have every reason to be, but i wish they could see themselves through my eyes. some may say i'm being too sensitive or idealistic but i'm going to put my heart on the line anyway and believe in these children. i'm going to love them even if i'm not supposed to and i'll keep on loving them until they love themselves. i feel like a hypocrite sometimes because i don't love myself. i'm not even remotely close to accepting myself. i've grown a little because i believe that i'm capable of love now and worthy of being loved as well. so i allow people to love me without fully understanding why they do. 

falling in love has changed my perspective on life. being in a romantic relationship is still completely new to me and for the past ten months, i've been growing intense feelings for the boy i'm with without being able to say the words to him. he had never said it either. although i embrace vulnerability, i was ironically petrified of confessing my love to him so i kept it quiet as it grew bigger and bigger. i stayed awake for nights wondering about the right way to say it. after all this time, i wanted it be to perfect. but i was never brave enough. then one night, as we welcomed spring, i was lying next to him telling him about my day and the children and i cheerfully went on for about five minutes while he remained silent. then suddenly he said ‘i think i'm in love with you’ cutting my monologue short and leaving me speechless. i kept repeating these words over and over in my head, the way he had said it, so fragile and vulnerable, almost trembling, until i made my way back to reality. i started giggling and shamefully pinched his cheeks, waiting for him to burst out laughing, telling me it was all just a big joke. but he hadn't moved and he was looking deep into my eyes, more authentic than ever before. so i pulled myself together, gazed into his mesmerizing green eyes and softly said ‘i think i'm in love with you too'. we kissed and i thought my heart would explode as i felt his own heart pounding loudly in his chest, magnified in my ears. i held him tight, never wanting to let go of this moment. that's when he said the three words i had been thinking of all along. ‘i love you’. the sincerity in his voice brought tears to my eyes. there's nothing quite like the euphoria of being in love with someone who loves you just as much. 

1 comment:

  1. Your words are so beautiful, raw and honest. I am blessed to have experienced these moments too. Sharing a mutual respect and passion for another is one of life's greatest joys. Thank you for sharing xx

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